Lemmings 2: The Tribes

"Tribes" is real subtle, Psygnosis.  Might as well have called it "Lemmings 2: White Man's Burden."
"Tribes" is real subtle, Psygnosis. Might as well have called it "Lemmings 2: White Man's Burden."

I’m not 100% on this, but I’m pretty sure that Lemmings is about the work of Charles Darwin.  I can’t really prove it without sounding super racist though.  I mean, ok, you’d think that the “fittest” lemmings would be the ones that can use fucking flame-throwers or whatever, except they’re still so remarkably stupid that they just walk off the face of a cliff without your intervention.  So, basically, I guess Lemmings teaches us that Nature is the pitcher in the Nature/Nurture debate.  Sure, we can teach them to do all sorts of shit, but they’ll always want to walk right off that cliff.

So yeah… I write that and I immediately think “so what they’re saying is that we really can’t reform or educate or help the disabled or less intelligent” except then I sound like a monster.  But who’s the real monster here?  Me, or the developers who insist that the only answer is to molly-coddle these fucking stupid creatures so they don’t kill themselves?  But no, then that makes me sound like I think those with handicaps should be left to their own devices and if they can’t make it on their own steam then whatever, fuck ’em.  I’m not saying that.  Man.  Fuck!  Lemmings wasn’t supposed to make me think about paternalistic racism and social darwinism.  Thanks Lemmings!

Try to land on Leonard's carcaaaaasssss.......
Because, I mean, no... we should help them because humanity is about assisting others. Except lemmings aren't people and this is all just an elaborate allegory but WHY WON'T THEY JUST STOP JUMPING OFF THE FUCKING CLIFFS?!

Ok… ok… let’s just settle down.  I think we can all agree that in the long run what lemmings is really about is the absence of God.  I mean, what sort of fuckwad deity decides to make a species that can’t help jumping off cliffs indigenous to an island where all that exists are long drops and cans of beverages presumably made of the creatures whose movement they restrict?!  It’s like “oh hey, sorry your home is also your natural predator (gravity!) and that those of you who don’t survive here will be turned into a tasty treat for kids of all ages, but at least you have some tools you can use so long as some kind individual tells you exactly when to use them.”  And also the sun is a giant smiling lemon or whatever.  These lemmings live in a brightly colored hellscape.  You are doing them a Kevorkianesque favor by letting them die.  You are ending their suffering.

Oh fuck… now I’m saying this game is about euthanasia.

Alright, well that does it.  Lemmings is basically the most controversial game of all time something something Lemming President.

OH Wait! Maybe it's about White Guilt! NO, I AM THE WORST!