Move around slowly and isometrically. Mash the attack button. Take mostly inevitable damage. Eventually die. Hit continue.
In the arcade, this game and its horrible kin, the beatemup, had a purpose: to empty your pockets of quarters. That’s all there was to it. These games don’t even count as games, in my mind. They’re more mindless than snakes and ladders.
On a console, its true ugliness is revealed. Now, this game exists solely to waste your time. It offers nothing whatsoever beyond that. It is the purest of bad video games. It is revolting. It is counting down the seconds until you’re a corpse.
To play this game is to stare into an existential void, because you have nothing else to look at.
What would happen if fake Ultraman, bullshit Godzilla, and some other knockoff monsters got in a fight? Buildings would fall and some God-like creature in space spying on the planet from a Bing Maps-type isometric view would get points.
This game was once on Nick Arcade, if memory serves. Probably more than once. That show wasn’t on in Canada much (we didn’t get Nick, I think some channel aired it occasionally). That’s pretty cool, I guess. That’s a nostalgic thing. Who’d have guessed? A snarky reference to the childhood of an older Generation Y dude who is writing on the Internet? Followed by some self-effacing meta-garble? You are DEFINITELY reading about old video games on the Internet at this point.
You have so far heard about an old video game TV show for children; a 1990’s 16-bit video game; a giant Japanese hero of the 20th century, a giant monster from the same country and time, a Web 2.0 satellite-image map website, a clam, a crab, a cockle, a cowrie, a reference to an early 21st-century harpist, a generation of perpetually snarky perpetual adolescents, and the Internet.
You’ve also heard an entire paragraph whose sole purpose was to make reference to the paragraph before it, as if to say, “hey, remember that time when A) something that was in the past, be it slightly or very much so, happened? Good times, and B) aren’t I a clever wee lad?”
Yes, it is true: these 400 or however many words encapsulate this entire stupid goddamn generation and I hate that I am one of us. We’re sarcastic little fucks, we aren’t actually good at anything, and once the baby boomers retire/die out we have to become the workforce, which sucks, because the Gen Xers are about as good as us at actually getting shit done (maybe a bit better) and with our powers combined the Western world is going to crumble as power plants and water treatment plants and farms and production facilities are abandoned by their cotton-headed retirees. These empty factories will be “boring” to this generation, who will mention as much on their FACETWITBLOGs, as they go to play Grand Theft Auto VII: Geek City and blow up people who ultimately look like themselves in a stunning recreation of Silicon Valley (which will last precisely until those abandoned power plants stop working on their own). God I hate us.