Final Fantasy Mystic Quest

ffmystic_savetheworld

ffmystic_yesyoufederlin

ffmystic_sure!

“Dude!  Had the weirdest day today.  This old dude came up to me flying on a cloud and he told me something.  Said that I was the Legendary Hero foretold in the Prophecy!”

“No way!”

“Yeah way, and I said to him, “look man, I really appreciate you floating all the way over here to tell me and all, but I think you got the wrong guy.  I’m only ten years old and I really should be getting back to school.  My teacher’s gonna be PISSED.“”

“No way!”

“Yeah and then the dude kept following me through the forest, yabbering on about this Great Disaster that was coming, and how I had to collect these arbitrary MacGuffins scattered across the known world to stop it.”

“No way!”

“Yeah so I told him I’d do it just so he’d shut up and he gave me this sword before he flew away.  So I started killing toads and balls of slime, and when they died, they gave me money and EXP.”

“No way!”

“Yeah and when I got enough EXP my level went up, and all of a sudden I knew all these magic tricks.  I didn’t have to take any lessons or read any books; it’s like I just knew.”

“No WAY!”

“Yeah man, so I took turns killing all these things, leveling up, learning magic, and I kept finding all these chests lying around with stuff in them.  So I took the stuff.  It was so sweet!”

“NO WAY!

“Yeah I know, so flippin’ sweet.  Eventually I got all the mystical pieces of crap that the old dude told me to get, and then nothing happened.  Turns out the old bastard forgot to tell me a few minute details about the Prophecy.  Apparently there’s this One Evil Dark Guy behind EVERYTHING.  I was pretty pissed off by this stage, so I found the guy in his castle.  And I killed him.

“NO.  WAY!”

“Uh, yeah way–Why the hell do you keep saying “no way” all the time, anyway?  Did you get brain damage on the way here or something?”

“Nah, man.”

“Then what?!”

“The exact same thing happened to me today!”

“No kidding.”

AND it happened to Chaz across the street.  Every kid on the block is all “Legendary Hero this”, “The Prophecy bla bla bla” and bangin’ on about how they “saved the world from the “Dark Lord”.””

“Well, there goes that then…Wanna get something to eat?”

“Nah, I’m good.  Drank some Potion just before.”

“Me too.  Let’s get outta here.”

Old bastard must’ve been doin’ the rounds…

Final Fight

SIMONS are getting UPPERCUTTED! What's the past-tense of uppercut? Uppercat?
SIMONS are getting UPPERCUTTED! What's the past-tense of uppercut? Uppercat?

HAGGAR: CODY! MAD GEAR HAS KIDNAPPED THE PRINCESS OF SAN FRANCISCO! WE MUST SAVE HER!

CODY: San Francisco?! It’s called Metro City, dummy! Also, I thought you didn’t want me to be with her!

HAGGAR: IT STILL GRINDS MY GEARS THAT YOU’RE PLAYING “HIDE THE PENIS” WITH MY BABY GIRL BUT REGARDLESS! I CAN’T DO THIS ON MY OWN! I AM SLOW AND STRONG BUT I NEED SOMEONE MORE BALANCED! IF ONLY THERE WERE ALSO SOMEONE WHO WERE REALLY FAST WE’D BE PERFECT!

CODY: Should I call Guy?

HAGGAR: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOT UNTIL FINAL FIGHT GUY! LET’S HIT THE STREETS!

LEVEL 1: THE SLUMS

CODY: Yeah! Fuck you punks! You make these slums suck!

HAGGAR: ACTUALLY THATS PARTLY MY FAULT AS I AM THE MAYOR OF THIS CITY AND I HAVE BEEN MORE BUSY SENDING MONEY TO THE POLICE FORCE AND CORPORATIONS TO MURDER POOR PEOPLE AND HOOK THEM ON CRACK THAN I AM TO ACTUALLY FIXING SHIT IN THESE HOODS! I AM BASICALLY ED KOCH! EXCEPT I TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL BY GOING TO THE STREETS AND BEATING THE DESPERATE PEOPLE WHO JOIN GANGS TO MAKE IT BY ON THE HARD STREEEEEEETS!

CODY: I’m going to punch Damnd in his giant face!

HAGGAR: I LOVE THIS GLASSEEEEEESSSS!!!!

CODY: I wish he would drop them!

LEVEL 2: THE SUBWAY

CODY: Wait this is more like New York and Not SF!

HAGGAR: IT’S METROOOO CITTYYYYY!!!!

CODY: What train are we on?

HAGGAR: THE G-TRAIN! G FOR GANGSTERS! BWA HAHA HA HA HA!!!!

CODY: Actually I think we’re on the 2 to the Bronx!

HAGGAR: OH MAN THAT’S A BAD LINE! WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE ASAP BEFORE WE GET MUUUUUUGGGGGED!

CODY: Or we can punch all the mugger’s faces. Hey, a knife! Can I stab someone with this, Mayor?

HAGGAR: SIR YOU ARE ABOVE THE LAW RIGHT NOOOOOOWWWWWWW! GOUGE AWAY!

CODY: Stay all day!

CODY + HAGGAR: IF YOU WANT TO! LA LA! LA LA! LA LA LA LA!

CODY: Sleepin’ on my belly! You break my arms! You spoon my ey–

HAGGAR: JOKE’S OLD STOP NOWWWWWW!!!!

LEVEL 3: WEST SIDE

CODY: Wait, so, west side… is this an LA thing now?

HAGGAR: METRO CITY IS THE WORST OF ALL CITIES COMBINED!

CODY: Word. Hey remember how we fought a Japanese guy in a wrestling ring in the Subway? Why didn’t we talk about that?

HAGGAR: TOO LATE NOW! BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THAT A GUY NAMED “SODOM” IN A WRESTLING RING IS HILARIOUS!

CODY: Are you implying that Pro Wrestling is gay?

HAGGAR: YOU CAN SEE ALL OF THE GUYS’S JUNK(S) AND THEY’RE HUGGING EACH UNDER IN SPANDEX UNDEERRWWEEAAAARRRR!!!!! WHATS FUNNY IS THAT I AM MAKING FUN OF GAYNESS SHORTLY AFTER COMPARING MYSELF TO ED KOOOOOOOCCCHHHHH!!!!!

CODY: Maybe we should actually talk about level 3 though!

HAGGAR: GOOOOD POOOOIIINNNTTT!!!!

LEVEL 4: INDUSTRIAL AREA

HAGGAR: TOOOOOO LAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!

LEVEL 5: BAY AREA

CODY: Here we go! The Bay Area! Classic! This is why you made that San Francisco reference at the beginning! I was starting to get confused!

HAGGAR: MORE LIKE THE YAY AREA, AM I RIGHT? WANT SOME YAYO? SOME COCAINE? I HAVE A LOT! LOOK! IT’S TRAPPED IN MY MUSTACHE! HA HA HA! IT’S LIKE A MILK MUSTACHE BUT MADE OF GACK!

CODY: Whoa this dude is neon red! And named Abigail!

HAGGAR: HAHA WHAT A PUSSY! PUUUUUUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CODY: Good punch!

LEVEL 6: UPTOWN

CODY: Uptown like Chicago?

HAGGAR: WHO CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARES!!!!!!!!!!!

CODY: Yeah! Let’s find your daughter!

HAGGAR: THERE SHE IS! WE HAVE TO BEAT UP A CRIPPLE TO GET HER THOUGH!

CODY: Awesome! Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicccccccckkkkkkkk!!!!!

HAGGAR: GOOD KICK! HE FELL OUT THE WINDOW!!! HAHAHAHA AT LEAST HE CAN’T GET CRIPPLED!

CODY: Hey Jessica! My girlfriend! We should do it later!

JESSICA: Nah my front regions are a little tired from being, you know, kidnapped by an insane anarchist punk gang! You know how it is!

HAGGAR: THEY RAPED YOU?!?!?

JESSICA: More like I had a really sexy version of Stockholm Syndrome! It’s some Patty Hearst-type shit! Plus I like douchebags OBVIOUSLY!

CODY: Good point!

JESSICA + HAGGAR + CODY: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

THE END