FIFA Soccer 96


Dear Diary:

I am so excited! Today is my first day of soccer hooliganism! I moved here to London from my hometown of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, to maybe eat some crumpets (delicious, by the way!) and perhaps see the Royal Guard (I did a dance in front of one, he didn’t even move! Wow!). What I didn’t expect was to meet these really cool guys who brought me into their secret club!

They’re called the Yid Army. no, they’re not Jewish though! My mom would LAY AN EGG if she found out I was hanging out with Jews! They are a fan of the soccerball sports team called Tottenham Hotspur. It’s a pretty cool sport– can you imagine running and kicking a ball for 90 minutes with no breaks?! I’d be so tired!

Anyway, the guys saw me working out at the gym and noticed that I had some pretty big muscles so they told me to come with them! They hate these guys called the Headhunters, you see, who are fans of another soccerball sports establishment called FC Chelsea. The FC stands for Football Club! Which is weird, because it’s soccer, not football, and they’re the team, not the club (the Headhunters are the club, remember?!).

Well, I better go! I have to rest up for the big hooliganing day I have tomorrow!

Hugs and kisses,




Washed sokcre gaame at pub. Tost nham losed game!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [drawing of angry face here]. FUCKING CHAKLESKY FANS!!!!!!! we fight themm. Winning! We fight them. Chleksi fanms are not good!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! but

cricket bat in face today not feel so good. NO HEATLTH CAREE! oh no!!!!!!!!! says i have concussion someone IS OKAY! tomorrow i will FIX IT but time to sleeepe!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD NIIIIIGHT JOURNAL


FIFA International Soccer

Looking at the ball might help
Looking at the ball might help

FIFA International Soccer. My first mistake: picking the Canadian team. They’re well-meaning enough boys, but the little bars that represent the various skills they need to, say, WIN AT SOCCER seem to be severely lacking compared to many of the other teams, including the one I was playing. This, combined with my frequently mentioned inability to not lose at video games, means that the game was really over before it started. In fact, I was so unlikely to win this game, that if I’d started, my team’s possible future children would have begun faaading away in pictures like in Back to the Future since the timeline was so irreparably screwed up. Some of them might even sleep with their mothers, although that has nothing to do with the game.

As the game progressed and the tiny men scattered on the field, appearing to completely disregard my directions and increasingly frantic pleas for them to pass the ball or shoot the ball or RUN IN THE DIRECTION OF THE BALL, I decided that I needed help. With the diminutive catcalls of the Lilliputian audience ringing in my ears, I took out my cellphone, put on my sunglasses, and did the only logical thing: I called in a ringer.

Everyone seems to know that Brazil is the best country at soccer, even though the majority of its citizens do not play (unlike Cleatselburg, where soccer—or football, if you will—is a mandatory activity that takes up 70% of the day and is responsible for an epidemic of knee injuries), so I relied on the only Brazilian I know: Thiago Silva. No, not Thiago Emiliano da Silva the Brazilian footballer; he plays at AC Milan. No, not Thiago Jotta da Silva; he was murdered to death and is no longer good at soccer as a result. No, not even Thiago Silva the MMA fighter; I don’t know him. I’m talking about Thiago Silva the miniature steam engine repair technician who works at TRAIN WORLD, THE TRAINIEST PLACE IN THE WORLD. He repairs little trains.

Since I don’t speak Brazilian, and Thiago doesn’t really speak Canadian*, I had him write down his impressions while playing FIFA International Soccer and then used Google’s translation tools to transcribe it here:

Look at these little men running! Why they do not run with the ball? This is the game of football, is running with the ball and take the ball and put it on the network, but they do not want it seems.

I press the buttons and I am not sure if it is working. Is this working? The crowd is screaming and I am ashamed the ball was not placed on the network for my team. They need to have try much harder.

This is making me sad in my heart that my team does not pass each other, but only for the other team. They have to stop. They need more contrast to the practice of his pieces are never implemented in time for the tiniest of trains. Choo Choo. Ha! Ha! I love doing this, the little steam engine. They carry children in tunnels and are sometimes never seen again. That is why I can never go back to São Paulo.

Thiago didn’t win either, but he offered me a ride on a little train so I feel like a winner anyway!

* You might be surprised to know that Brazilians speak Portuguese and Canadians speak a form of English. Learning!