Elite Soccer

1337 50cc3r iz 1337.

1f j00 k3n r33d th15 3w3 r pr0lly 1337 t00 (1tz c4ll3d 1337sp33k u n00b).

t3h th1ngz w0t 3y3 d1d l1k3 4b0ut t3h g4m3z w0z 1t h4z 4ll 0f t3h n4t10n41 4nth3mZ, 3v3n 4u5tr4l145 wh1ch iz m41 c0untr33.  1tz 4l50 v3ry r33l15t1c cuz 4u5tr4l14 c4nn0t runz f4st 0r sc0r g0l3z & br4z1l c4nz.

Z0MG.
Z0MG.

0n3 pr0bl3m th0 1z th4t 1t s33mz t3h g4m3 1z 2 h4rd 4 n00bz.  n0t 2 h4rd 4 m3 cuz 3y3 4m t3h 1337z0r, 4 m41 515t3r wh0 1z a n00b & w0nt vs. m3 cuz 3y3 pwn h3r 4ll t3h tym3z.

1f 3w3 r g00d @ s0cc3r g4m3z (c0mput3r g4m3z n0t r33l g4m3z lololololol!!!!!!11111!!) 3m@1l m3 @ w1tn355_t3h_1337n355@hotmail.com w/ur h0m3 addy &
3y3 w1ll g0 0v4h & r0x0r j00.  th3n 3y3 w1ll LULZ.

!!!!!!11111
!!!!!!11111
LULZ
LULZ

kthxbai!!

Eek! the Cat

FACT: Most old people are killed by coconuts.
FACT: Most old people are killed by coconuts.

There is a cat in charge of protecting a dangerously senile old woman: this is the state of the palliative care in this country. We leave our elderly in the hands of neurotic bipedal cats. Do you feel though you’re being properly represented with your taxes if your grandmother is being led into a zoo by a cat? Your grandmother! She makes you tea and cookies and is sweetly racist.

Eek! the Cat is a side-scroller with an annoying twist: playing as Eek!, you’re responsible for keeping that stupid old lady from dying. Escort missions are always a pain in the ass, and this is certainly no exception. Your health meter for the first stage in the game (as far as I was able to get) is the old lady’s health. If she dies, you lose. I don’t know why. If you recall from the cartoon, Eek! had a place to live with his uncaring and gluttonous family already. Perhaps Eek!’s real problem is that he cares too much and too deeply. One can only claim “It never hurts to help!” and be electrocuted so many times before it’s likely that the speaker is actually really retarded.

“It never hurts to help!” Hit in the head by a coconut. “It never hurts to help!” Jabbed in the stomach with a hypodermic needle full of monkey blood. “It never hurts to help!” Shipped off to Afghanistan.

If Eek! was really concerned about helping the old woman, he’d call some kind of social services to ensure that she had proper long-term care instead of shepherding her from one death trap to the next. That talking purple cat is dangerously irresponsible, and so are the creators of Eek! the Cat and this game. What do we expect children to think when they play this game? It sets a dangerous precedent for the many tens of kids who played Eek! the Cat. They will truly believe that the best course of action when dealing with a stumbling near-blind crone is to bring her through a zoo where the animals are running loose.

Statistics will later show that the death rates of blind old ladies and incredibly dull-witted children will grow by a statistically non significant amount.

Back to the game: I found it intensely difficult for two reasons. 1) Eek! is a little hard to navigate; I kept getting stuck on the old lady (also a personal problem of mine on buses). 2) I want that old woman to die. She should not be alive. It’s the same “old” issue I have with Mr. Magoo—old people that dangerously unaware are a threat to all of us, especially if they have access to cars. While I appreciate the humour of octogenarians driving into groups of bystanders, it becomes significantly less funny when there’s a chance it could happen to me.

In conclusion, stay off the road, GRANDPA!