Drakkhen is a game where, in the text-only tutorial, there are three pages on what to do if you can’t move and you don’t know why.
The game is a bizarre RPG where you play your whole party from first person until you enter a castle, then you move them around individually or let the AI control them. I have yet to figure out how you make your own dude attack.
Outside of a castle, you actually move around in first person in a terrible Mode 7 landscape that must be what nightmares look like in two dimensions. I didn’t think it was even possible to have clipping errors in a two dimensional game but I was quite powerfully wrong.
The brief adventures of my four characters – Assbutt, Dickbutt, Cuntface, and Vagoodoo – involved walking over a bridge on an infinite green carpet, whereupon I was attacked from the side by what looked like a doormat, or a pillowcase full of rocks. My party walked into it over and over again until it died. There was a castle; I walked up to it, as I was instructed to do. In this castle were four doorways, and instead of doors they had lightning. Red and blue lightning. I eventually discovered that beside the doors, the little triangles were buttons – which, when pressed, summoned some kind of hunchbacked generic enemy that my party proceeded to bravely walk into. Having nudged this fell beast to death, I tried another button, with the exact same result.
My victory was punctuated by a triumphant dialogue box that announced “Dickbutt got shirt!”
I don’t know why Dickbutt got the shirt. He already had a shirt. Maybe, since he was a “scout,” he was just the fastest of my greedy-fingered adventurers. Maybe he rolled better.
I found it difficult to care at all about Dickbutt and his shirt, and his awful world that seemed to be the ugly little brother of Carl Sagan’s “Flatland.” I did not play this game for very long. If someone were to attempt to get me to play this game again, I would inform them that I would rather staple my penis to my face, or beat myself to death with my own scrotum.