Congo’s Caper

Now some of you, dear reader, may wonder why we have taken on this massive project. On the face of it, it may seem like we are doing it for the dollars, or for fun. And while both of these things are true (how else will I write this whilst sipping on a Julep made of mint leaves fresh picked and a 9 year bourbon whisky in a goblet perfectly chilled), but the truth is this. We are constructing a ludological wonder.

Yea, as the ancients before us, we are gradually carving the Rosetta Stone of 16-bit entertainment. When the cities are but dust and anthropologists puzzle over our immortal script on magnetic disc, they well know us for the bored, nostalgic scum we are.

Have you read Man and Superman? Watched 2001: A Space Oddyssey? Availed yourself of Milton’s epic Paradise Lost?
Forget each and every one of those things. Instead of dedicating tedious hours of your life to these long and boring works, play Congo’s Caper.

This game will educate you in the mechanics of natural selection, tell the tale of man struggling against demons (both outside and within), discuss the possibility of artefacts that can cause a quantum leap in evolution and intellegence, and it will do all this within the paradigm of a platformer.

In other words, you will leap, platform, and learn your way to victory.

All while killing every motherfucker that moves.

Let’s begin.

Here we see the multivalent symbols. Kubrick's monoliths, Milton's souls, Freud's balls.
Here we see the multivalent symbols. Kubrick's monoliths, Milton's souls, Freud's balls.

So a couple of balls fall from the sky and turn two monkeys into humans, allowing them to ascend one step closer to godhead. The other monkeys are generally unfazed by this. So the humans are a guy and a girl, and the girl gets kidnapped by a DEMON. I KNOW!

If you get a red stone, you turn into a human, if you get hit, you become a monkey. If you collect 3 stones without taking a hit, you become the ubermensch, abandoning all moral concerns and becoming the perfect objective being. Any stones collected after that give you a 1up.

So after you kill some guys and jump and roll around a bit, the demon comes back, mounted on a dinosaur.

I think the metaphor here is clear.
I think the metaphor here is clear.

Which you kill, and then go inside, chasing said demon.

I think you know what this means; water level.

Water Level. Water Level.
Water Level. Water Level.

After that you fight the devil. Probably you win.

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Combatribes

Wood beats skin. Skin beats fire! Fire beats wood.
Wood beats skin. Skin beats fire! Fire beats wood.

In one of the opening screens of Combatribes, it refers to New York City as the “center of all evil” and “Ground Zero” with a picture of the World Trade Center in the background. Need I be the one to jump to the only logical conclusion that this game was made by Al-Qaeda, warning the video gaming populace of the United States of the devastation to come? Apparently I need be.

It’s little wonder the attacks of September 11th were done in such a way that took the lives of the terrorists themselves—if this game is any indication, dying in a fiery plane crash would be a far better fate than attempting to take on the average American citizen in a hand to hand fight. You can select from three characters in this game, and they’re all insanely massive. I think the average height of Berserker, Bullova and Blitz is somewhere in the realm of 6’10”, but my math might be off since I’m just guessing and screw you for making me do math in the first place, you pedantic nerd.

As a quick side note, it strikes me that a good way to build worldwide fear of America’s ire might be to get Brock Lesnar on television more often with the caption “America’s favorite little champ!” underneath him whenever possible. Brock Lesnar is only 6’3″, so compared to regular U.S. citizens like Bullova, he’s practically a dwarf*! They could use a few camera tricks to make other people look larger than him through forced perspective: a type of nodal point psychological warfare! Tell me this isn’t the best idea. Anyway, back to a SNES game or something.

Combatribes is another wonderful entry in the “Dudes beating up other dudes on a street” genre, and includes all that normally entails. You can punch guys. You can kick guys. I think you can even jump kick guys! Be still, my freakishly huge heart. That said, I found these styles of attack particularly useless in the face of “Guy with giant piece of wood” who routinely beat the crap out of me until I died. Sadly I couldn’t figure out which button on my keyboard was Continue, so I got to try playing as each different character. They all fell to devastating “Guy who was interrupted building his deck” attacks.

This game taught me two valuable things about Al-Qaeda: 1) They think Americans are gigantic monsters. 2) They think that gigantic monsters can always be beaten by wooden boards.

Wait, did I say valuable?

* or midget, or little person, or tiny little man, or whatever your preferred method of referring to people that are significantly shorter than average is. Yeah, I know a lot of those terms don’t mean the same thing, and some are probably really offensive, but writing this sentence was way faster than looking up which was which and my patience for research is shorter than you.