Cannondale Cup

The sports video game genre is not one to come short on the number of racing titles developed over the years. Oddly, out of all the racing games available, we don’t seem to have enough covering the exciting and dynamic sport of bicycle racing. You know, with grown adults wearing plastic helmets and spandex shorts, pedaling 12-speeds around a track at a mind-bending 40 MPH for several laps. I’m not really sure why it’s so poorly represented. What sane person wouldn’t want to pick up a high-definition, Little Mermaid-themed Huffy bicycle racer? My meager Xbox 360 collection weeps at the lack of such an addition.

But fear not! Today, we have the luck of looking at Cannondale Cup, another exciting entry in the nearly infinite array of brilliant and engrossing Super Nintendo games. While one might expect just another straightforward racing title with bikes, the developers decided to spice things up a bit with this little firecracker…

Tired of steering? To hell with it, then! Instead, the game automatically steers, just for you!

Sick of having to push on a stupid accelerator button? Shit, son, get rid of it, too!

Hell, let’s let you punch the other racers as well!

Wait, are you feeling bad about hurting the other racers now? No, sh-sh-sh-shhh…don’t worry, little guy, it’s alright. They’re not real people, just a bunch of poorly named, mutant/80’s metal-band reject assholes!

Oh, wait a sec! Don’t forget your helmet, ’cause safety is key when your an ugly-ass lizard man beating the crap out of an equally ugly set of passers-by on your mighty Schwinn!

*…sigh…*

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