Over the years I have played an incredible number of Breakthru clones and they all make me feel the exact same way: murderously angry.


I have never played a game that I am so terrible at and yet love so much. I have shitty reflexes and I’m slow as fuck, two things that do not bode well for my ability to play this piece of shit. I can cruise through the first few levels and I’m getting shit done. I’m pilling up and knocking down the blues and then the yellows, I’m a fucking man of action. But then they start adding colours and shit is piling up faster and I stop being able to find big clusters of similar cubes. It’s a mosaic of failure. I have woven myself a quilt of suck. Oh fuck I’m drowning in colourful squares. Oh shit my lungs are filling up. Fuck. It’s over. I am shamed and wet myself.

Playing this game is like being in a fucking shitty relationship. I come home from work and I get dinner ready, it’s delicious but we both eat it in silence. I do the dishes. I try to tell her she looks lovely and ask her about her day but the second I open my mouth, the belt is off and she’s whipping me in the face and chest. I’m bleeding and I can’t see out of my left eye. I cough up blood. I can feel teeth rolling around in the back of my throat. I swallow and choke. Everything goes white. I cough up more blood and the teeth follow. She stands over the top of me sweaty and fuming. I curl up and hug her ankles and beg forgiveness. I promise I can change. Maybe I can learn to cook better. Maybe I can just stop talking altogether. Whatever she needs, I want to give it to her. I need to give it to her. I beg for forgiveness. I tell her I’m sorry, that I can change. She spits on me and says I’d better.

The next night I come home, feeling confident, feeling like I can best this situation, like I can finally come out on top. But much like every night, I spend the next few hours nursing my wounds and picking leather fragments out of my face.

This game is like playing Tetris, but instead of getting good at it, you don’t. It laughs at your dick size and makes fun of you for crying during Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

Puzzle games make me fucking hate myself more than usual. I am not good at them and that makes me an idiot. This is just one of the many reasons I’ll never get married and probably never have sex again. All of my meals come in cans. I am a complete failure in every possible sense of the word. My parents were 100% right about me.