Beauty and The Beast

I bought Beauty and the Beast for my girlfriend about 3 years ago. I thought I was being a great boyfriend and as result would get my wiener tickled a bit.

Well it turns out that this game is frustration-clinic and not at all the reward-worthy, handjob motivator I had hoped. In addition to being the most difficult game I’ve ever played, it makes no sense at all when compared to the movie (which it should be seeing as it’s a fucking “adaptation”).


The basic premise is that you’re the Beast and you’re fucking furious out of your mind and somehow your castle has been overrun by a bunch of lousy motherfuckers trying to fuck with your life. Despite the fact that you’re a giant monster your “attacks” are limited to temper tantrums. You can a) stomp your feet or b) roar your furry dick off. You would figure that at some point he’d figure out that he was a fucking beast and start slicing dudes’ faces right the fuck off. Instead, he acts like a petulant child, bummed about a rash he got from sitting in his own poopy.

This game is your basic platformer: start at Point A travel a straight line (basically), get to Point B, collecting power-ups on the way. I know that doesn’t sound too too horrible but boring gameplay coupled with impossible gameplay is enough to make me flip my shit and murder my television and then myself in an incensed murder/suicide pact. It took me dozens of attempts to pass the first level. I’ll be the first to own up to the fact that I’m not the greatest gamer that has ever existed, but I can hold my own. In fact I’m the same way about making hump. I may take a couple of wrong turns and you’ll most certainly end up bruised and livid but I’ll get you there. I’m nothing if not importunate. With that in mind, I’m not completely deluded; I can accept my own shortcomings as a gamer and a plower of vagina, but I know where my own limitations end and the game’s relentless difficulty begin (or in the case of love-making, where her scabs prevent my oily burrito from penetrating).

I don’t think this game is difficult out of design, I think it’s solely out of laziness (i.e. why I like being on the bottom when playing hide my clammy pickle). This game makes me want to rip out my pubes by the fistful (I’m like a Viking in the undershorts region) and then cleave my dick with whatever I have lying around the house.


Beethoven’s 2nd

beethovenBeethoven’s 2nd is also Beethoven’s 1st on the SNES and I’m just glad that it was also Beethoven’s last. To give you some idea as to how bad this game is, I’ll just let you know that this game was developed by Hi-Tech Expressions. The same Hi-Tech Expressions that brought you Barbie’s Supermodel.

Moving onto the game now, you play as Beethoven the misbehaving St Bernard and you’ve got to find your puppies return them to your girlfriend who looks like you with lighter hair, before someone else finds them and turns them into a fur coat. If you’ve seen the movie then you know what to expect. Considering the movie was a cinematic masterpiece, you know that this can only be a good thing. Sorry to burst your bubble, Fanny Mae but it’s the ONLY good thing about this game.

The graphics are extremely cartoony and while, generally, I’m a fan of humongous sprites on my screen, it doesn’t work when the character takes up half the screen length-wise. So you (as Beethoven of course) walk and you walk and you walk, all the while you’re constantly being surprised by tornado kittens or skateboarding kids who’ve watched SLC Punk too many times to realize that blue hair was never cool. You’re being chased by dog catchers (with shotguns), jumping over fences and light posts all so you can save the little puppies your lady friend Misty will probably kill and eat later.

It’s a given. I’m not the best gamer or even a particularly good one. I cheat. A LOT. This is one of those games where I really felt like I needed my Game Genie to grant me three wishes (infinite time, energy, lives) because this game is fucking hard. Like I said earlier, the constant surprises of people jumping out at you and attacking you will take it’s toll on your energy and eventually your number of lives. Let’s not forget fucking impaling yourself on those fences or plummeting to your doom every 5 minutes.

I’m honest when I say that I don’t remember much from Beethoven, Beethoven’s 2nd or the later Beethoven Goes to Camp but I do remember not hating them with this much passion. Nostalgia’s overrated, I guess. Around “Every Game’, we do not have a star system or really any sort of rating system at all. We simply do not believe in that sort of thing here … buuuuuuuttt if you were curious and wanted to know what this game scored on the personal Crap-O-Meter, this game scored an “I would rather eat someone else’s vomit.”