battleblazeImagine a peaceful land. A land undisturbed by evil, uncorrupted by anger, jealousy, and hatred.

Imagine a land where men can gather and compare dicks over a pint of mead. This is the fabled land of Virg.

A land so pure that having the milky bounty of your junk wrestled out by someone’s mighty calloused fists is totally cool in the middle of a bar because jerking some dude’s hairy boner off in public is
commonplace. So your hands get a little sticky. No big deal, they have packs of wild dogs roaming around the bar. They’ll take that mess of your hands in a quick second.

Virg is a place where dudes can put whatever they want in each others’ dick holes. And no one every bleeds from fucking too hard. And you never get poop on your wiener. Or if you do you don’t care. Once again: wild dogs. Virg is a family vacation hotspot.

And then in the middle of slapping some dude’s wang around with your mouth this fucking guy, the Dark Lord, decides he’s going to murder your dad because the Cosby Show is a rerun and he’s fucking bored. So one minute your dad’s got some dude’s meaty hog halfway to his lungs and the next he’s a pile of blood pulp and flesh ribbons. And you’re pissed. So you go on a fucking quest to kill this dude.

You’re fucking mashing the same button over and over because the people at American Sammy don’t give a fuck enough to help you on your journey of justifiable vengeance. You can’t do shit. You flail around with your fucking sword like an epileptic at a disco. Oh shit, you’re fighting this fucking dog man named Schnauzer (like the dog). So you
beat his dick off and then you continue on your way.

Ok you get bored and really want to head back to the bar. Fuck. This sucks. Your dad was kind of a prick anyway right? I mean he wouldn’t let you watch Robocop because there was too much blood so you had to finish your pizza at the kitchen table and not in the living room. And then you came home from Karate class and he made you watch an episode
of My Little Pony with your sister. It was the one where this pop singer helps his manager steal people’s souls. Fuck it. You return to the bar to suck everyone’s sweaty dick.

5 stars.

– Scotty