ABC Monday Night Football

Games like this make me wish I had said something in my original post, like, “all of the games EXCEPT for junky Mode 7-filled one-off sports titles sponsored by major television network. Well, I learned my lesson. Next time I start an epic, multi-year project that promises to keep me writing silly inane things on the interweb about video games nobody’s played or even looked at in 10+ years, I’ll get it right.

That said, who’s excited to hear about a football game?!

I didn’t think so.

Well, I started playing as the New York Jets, which may have been my first mistake. It started with a coin toss that followed the coin down to the ground in a sequence I can only liken to playing Pilotwings with two arms tied behind your back, a massive hangover and your eyes glued to ball point pens that are spring-loaded to stab you if you try to look away. Yeah, it looks THAT good. Anyway, I lost the coin toss (I ALWAYS pick Tails,… why didn’t I pick it this time?!) so I had to kick the ball. I guess I was supposed to mash the B button at this point. I think I ended up kicking it about 10 yards! Oops.

Then, blah blah blah, passing plays didn’t work right, rushes sucked, nobody got any points… but there’s one magical thing about this game– miss a passing play, and these HEADBANGING DUDES show up on the screen and begin smashing themselves against the benches in pure agony while a football announcer shouts “FORGET IT!”. It’s so stupid, and funny in its stupidity, that it deserves its own YTMND, surely.

FORGET IT!

Look at the anguish in their little 16-bit faces. I like to imagine all of those little people in the crowd are doing the same thing, and this is just a magnification of a choice few.

What else is there to say? If you want to play a football game, skip this one. I don’t even really play football games, and I think think of AT LEAST two for the SNES that are better (NFL QB Club 96 and Madden [insert any number here]). Now leave me alone. I have to go cry gently to myself after booting this monstrosity up for even a few minutes.

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AAAHH! Real Monsters!

You know, this game, like the television show, is something I wanted to hate. AAAHH!!! Real Monsters! was a television show by the Klasky Csupo people– the same people who brought us the fun but ultimately disappointing Duckman and the ugly, boring, atrocious cyst on cartoonkind called Rugrats. However, Real Monsters was different– it was a bunch of monsters going to monster school in a sewer. It was funny and cute when it needed to be and it had Tim Curry.

That doesn’t change the fact that licensed games in the 90s were usually somewhere between garbage and almost-garbage, though. Especially games based on Nickelodeon franchises (Did you ever play “Guts”?). Again, though, I was proven wrong by this game: a gross, sewery setting with an interesting, mildly puzzly platformer with Lost Viking-esque control gimmicks.

Of course, it’s not without the typical tropes and failings of a non-Mario platformer for the SNES. There are pipes that spit sewer water at you on seemingly random ‘timers’ (JUST LIKE REAL SEWERS, OH WAIT). occasionally you hit two of them and they are going at alternating times and you have to sneak between them. Except there’s not enough room. Queue the bullshit of having to take a hit to keep progressing. You know, impossible shit to keep you on your toes.

Aside from that though, it’s pretty fun. I recommend checking it out. Knowing Nickelodeon, there are probably still some sort of reruns on there, too, so you can even get the back story. Not that you care. You’re a video gamer player, not a NOVELIST.

AAAHH! Real Monsters!

The orange guy has no holes in his head for his eyeballs so he carries them in his hands. DELICIOUS.