Monopoly

AW HELL NO I WOULD SOONER SLEEP ON THE STREET THAN PAY GARY CANT 26 DOLLARS

Confession time: I’m a part of the “system.” I work in QA. Right now, I’m in school, so I had to take a QA job doing the most ignoble type of QA work possible: mobile phone games testing.

However, I worked on the most recent version of Monopoly for cell phones, and: it is better than this game.

This should be not a sad point, but a beacon of hope. The games being made for cell phones have more care put into presentation, playability and overall awesometude than full-price console games once were. This one runs too slow, doesn’t display the information you want when you want it, and looks like crap. A regular LG cell phone (we’re not talking iPhone, here) not only has nicer graphics, but they are presented in a more user-friendly way.

Luckily, since the team I am on at work is testing ports of previously-released games instead of pre-launch titles, I can actually talk about them. I’ve tested Monopoly, and several Tetris titles, and even a Sims game on the phone. Heed my words, gamers: the garage is less garbage than it once was. Rejoice.

By the way: for some reason you can select someone named “Gary Cant” as an enemy. I’m not sure if that’s funny to me because it sounds like the name you give a loser (as in Can’t), or the name you give a pretend philosopher (as in Kant), or a name you give someone you hate very, very much (as in _______) (you fill it in, I can’t write that here).

Might and Magic III

Magic war. Magic war never changes.

The Glass City of Sparklecoat is in dire need of heroes. An attack by the Orcbearish Powersleuth of Mudbutt is threatening to tear this fair (albeit poorly-planned — really? A city of glass? Hope the Orcbears don’t show up with stones) city to the ground.

You, armed with nothing but a frame within a frame equalling maybe 20 kilopixels and one frame a second, have been called in to mastermind the counterattack. But, as you are but a simple dork with no weapons (as you are required, at almost all times, to hold a Super Nintendo controller in at least one hand), a crack team of specialists have been called in to help you.

Let’s meet them!

Todd Sinbad, 31 year old human

Todd is the leader of the group. Cursed with a brutally boring first name by parents (Thunder and Jeanne D’Arc Sinbad) who hoped that he would not become an adventurer later in his life. However, genetics, like baldness, homosexuality and skateboarding, reared its scientific head and forced him into the life of his parents. How, after 12 years of leading parties against enemies (a particular highlight being his delichification of Baron von Schtrucklefuck), he is the go-to man for rallying troops, murdering adults in the name of adventure, and long, determined looks into cameras that imply some sort of inner fire. And ladies, he’s single!

Granite Thunderbottom, 50 year old dwarf

Granite is known for his stubbornness. Too stubborn to leave his parents house, they one day moved in his sleep. Too stubborn to pay the bills, he as evicted. Too stubborn to find a new house, he is homeless. Thanks to a plucky bit of thinking by Elyphissia (below), a hypnosis spell was cast convincing him he’s always bene in this party. Now he’s too stubborn to leave. He enjoys axing down orcbears and speaking in an affected Scottish accent (he’s really from New Mexico), and ladies, he’s single!

Scud Skraggtaint, 7 year old orc

An orc born without a bear penis, he was cast out by his orcbear forebears. No pun intended. Seriously. His blood-soaked revenge plot has led him to join this party so he can kick the grizzly out of those who teased him growing up. Orcs have a shorter lifespan than humans, so while he is seven years old, that’s more like twelve in human years. And ladies, he’s single!

Henning 'My Eye Doesn't Work' Fassbinder, 40 year old human

A tactical mastermind whose nickname is curious at best (the eyepatch is cosmetic, a nod to his favourite actor, Labyrinth’s David Bowie), Henning ensures that everyone’s in the right place at the right time like some sort of martial stage director. He is also an expert archer (which he flips up his glamour patch to do). He’s kind of an asshole, to be honets. And ladies, he’s single!

Elyphissia Flugelhornne, 99 year old elf

The token female, token mage, token elf, and token wearer-of-spiderweb-hats, Elyphissia (or Barf for short) is a mystickal wielder of the magjickale artez. Barf was cloistered for decades in a secret Elfin magic farm, not entirely like a puppy farm, until she escaped by making one million gold coins appear behind every guard’s ears, crushing them. And ladies, he’s single!

Jambi, the 500 year old Genie

Mekka lekka hi mekka hiney ho.

I didn’t play this game for long. I have better things to do than play cheesy western RPGs where a ragtag bunch of heroes with mommy issues battle an evil wave of monstrous analogs for some foreign force that reminds me of vaguely racist imagery. If you’ll excuse me, Dragon Age: Origins won’t beat itself! And ladies, I’m taken.

Metal Morph

Thrilling.

Metal Morph. You are bald man in the future. You can turn into a blob of mercury-type metal stuff and go through pipes. You are shot at by enemies, who generally shoot you as soon as possible, meaning you hae no time to dodge or return fire, and you die. Often. This is Metal Morph.

The game’s central gimmick could have been far better implemented than it was, surely. The ability to turn from human form to globular comedrop form? That could be used for puzzles in a far more engaging way than it is (which is sub-Mario level “warp pipe” type stuff– you know those levels where oyu enter a pipe and actually watch Mario “move” through it, and come out in the smae level? Like that).

But there’s plenty you could say that could have been better. The character design reminds me too much of Kano from Mortal Kombat to intrigue me in any real sense (it is possible, even likely, that this game predates MK but it’s irrelevant, the character archetype was played out lnog before; I just lack the pop culture vernacular to pinpoint when, precisely, this became boring). I don’t care for side-scrolling gun games anymore. Better games have made the rest redundant. And this game is as redundant as they come.

I will be straight with you: I believe that, while we hold this time in games very dear, I truly believe that game design has gotten far better since these days. Well, let me be more specific: bad game design is far better than it once was.

To explain: picture all of the worst games on the NES and SNES and Genesis and remember how uniquely awful they were. They were often unplayable. Unenjoyable. Without purpose. Without even justification for their own existence. Fast forward to now, and think of where the dregs are, gaming-wise: cell phones and Flash games, perhaps?

Now think: when is the last time you played a mobile game worse than Metal Morph? I bet it has been quite some time. At some point, the bottom of the gaming pack moved up. The nadir is no longer as filthy as it once was.

It’s games like Metal Morph that remind me to have hope for the future. Happy Hallowe’en.

Mega Man 7

I will not survive Mega Man,
I will not not say “damn damn damn.”

I will not survive icy shards,
I will not beat those bee retards.

I will not beat those springy fucks,
I will not beat robots on trucks.

I will not survive Mega Man,
I will not not say “damn damn damn.”

I blew one guy up, then his head
Flew at me and made sure I’m dead.

I will not beat these headfuck nerds,
Nor will I beat this Cloud Man turd.

I will not get the damn junk shield,
Nor will I get Turbo’s Scorch Wheel.

I will not survive Mega Man,
I will not not say “damn damn damn.”

I will get killed and killed and killed,
I hate this game your zealots shilled.

I hate that people love this game,
Even if that makes me lame.

If I want self-flagellation,
I’ll whip myself during masturbation.

I will not survive Mega Man,
I will not not say “damn damn damn.”

Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein

Fro Mo, or as you may know him, Frankenstein's Monster, has a fiery stick, a burlap moomoo and a hell of a bone to pick.

Why they attached Mary Shelley’s name to this game is a complete mystery to me. Yes, she wrote the original Frankenstein; but, does this game follow the story as laid out in the book?

I’m no Masters in English Lit (that’s Travis) (proof: I don’t think they call themselves “Masters in English Lit”) (proof the second/third: look at all of these parenthetical bits in the middle of this awful sentence) but so far as I understand (from Wikipedia) (oh Jesus there I go again), this is a story that is rooted in a deep fear of the horrors that might befall humanity due to technological progress. I guess we’re talking about the Industrial Revolution here, which, so far as I understand, was a pretty big deal to a lot of people. Between it and modernism it seems a lot of fairly well-meaning people were pretty freaked out about progress. And this was a novel that addressed that and at the same time told a story of horror that people would eventually consider one of the greatest. At least, Universal Pictures did. Then they made that film with Boris Karloff and created Frankie as we know him today.

Let this be known: this may be the worst Frankenstein-related game I have played on the SNES to date. I say “may be” because I’ve forgotten if Adventures of Dr. Franken is actually worse than this. You know, it probably isn’t.

It’s also difficult to tell which of these two titles is more of an affront to the original story. In both, the story of the scientist playing God takes a backseat to the antics of a monster running around a two-dimensional land where there is apparently a lot of stuff made out of wood. One infantilizes the monster and makes him “hip,” which is appalling enough, but the other puts you in charge of him, hitting and burning villagers. I did not figure out why I was doing this and became immediately disgusted.

I think it’s clear that not every game is made with the purest of intentions: this much I have learned from starting this website some two years ago. The almighty dollar has convinced many people who had no business making games to make games. There are also games made by those who make them simply because they like games and want to make more (which is, probably, even more irritating to me; do people ever write books because they like books so much that they want to make their own? No, and that is why books aren’t maligned as “worthless junk” like games are: because they are made by people who have something to say instead of people just trying to add to the cultural trashpile out of media fanaticism),

Usually, these awful games just bead and roll off of my shitproof pelt, but sometimes they get into my head and make me mad. This has no right to exist. It’s the kind of miserable garbage that ensures that video games are seen as– nay, are, nothing more than worthless escapism, murder simulators, and medulla oblangata masturbation aids.

As an aside: the point of this site is not to review every single game that we have dropped on our laps. It is a platform to write, and sometimes make jokes, and sometimes tell stories, and sometimes make points, and sometimes experiment and practice different ways of writing. If you are thinking about complaining about the lack of reviews on this site, you are in the wrong place. I have tried to get several different writers with several different styles on this site and had them focus on small nuggets of video gaming history, but I have no intention to force “reviews.” This is short prose. If you can’t deal with that, then just use the author filter I conveniently put in the top-right corner of the page. Hopefully someone here is writing something you like.

Madden NFL ‘97

As a part of my research for this piece, I watched some football. It was the New York Giants and the New Orleans Saints. New Orleans won the game. Which I guess is a pretty awesome thing, since their city had a tragedy more massive and heartbreaking and incredibly relevant than the Giants’ city ever did (don’t freak out– the New York Giants are from East Rutherford, NJ and Wikipedia says nothing of catasrophes there).

What I learned from this time watching was probably non-indicative of the sport in general. I watched the saints, play after play, do incredibly cool things such as throw the ball and catch the ball with great athleticism. It was sort of fun to watch. Now, I’ve watched this game before, and for the most part, it bugs me. In concept, I like the idea of getting a bunch of little mans to line up and do battle with each other with a set group of rules, allowing one set piece to bounce off of another; after all, I play tactical RPGs.These are virtually the same thing, only less deep (you can’t win every game of football by getting four linebackers to simple surround and circle-kick a quarterback).

now, videogames have, over the past, taught me most of what I need to know about football. I never got into the Madden series, but I had NFL Quarterback Club ‘96 for the SNES (which cost only $1 or something at the time) and Blitz: The League II for the Xbox 360 (which I won in a Destructoid contest, only a few spots outside of winning a whole PS3). I assume I picked up the actual rules at some point (it can’t have been those games that taught me a single thing).

It doesn’t matter, though. Nothing I learned about sports taught me how to properly play this game. It took me a quarter to figure out how to throw the ball. I never completed a pass or got a first down. I think my only gains were 2 yard rushes that I accidentally did instead of failing to throw the ball.

Madden might be an incredible simulation of the port these days, or whatever, but let’s be honest: there’s nothing like playing the real thing. Or even watching the real thing. I shouldn’t be struggling with ideas like “where is the Y button?”

I should instead be struggling with, “where do I inject these delicious steroids?”

Lethal Enforcers

It's not actually easier to see what's happening when it's in motion. That dude is behind a window, which apparently makes him look like a ghost.

It wasn’t as hard to get this game to work as I thought it’d be. Not that I’m saying I was illegally emulating it or anything, but if I were it would have been pretty easy. Just turn on the… vindicators or whatever the peripheral is called. Then you get to play a game that is based on real photos, on your SNES.

Was it worth it, stupid? Are you proud of yourself? You are playing this game. On your SNES. It looks like eight piles of turds. But you just had to play it, didn’t you? Well, good job. Amazing. You are seriously the master of everything. I’m sure there’s some way to run it on MAME, or, you know, find an actual cabinet out there somewhere. But, why do that when you can play an emulated version of a port of a light gun game and instead of using a MOUSE, or a LIGHT GUN, you get to use a DPAD?

This was a weak idea for a piece: berating someone for playing this particular version of this particular game using this particular platform. But the point still stands: from a historical perspective, the SNES ROM for Lethal Enforcers is beyond irrelevant. Just don’t bother with it, ever. The only reason to have this ROM is if you, for some insane reason, are one of those obsessive foks who must have EVERY one at their fingertips. The only reason to play it is it you are obsessive about playing all of the games, despite the fact that that would be stupid. And, the only reason to write about it is because you are super charming.

Lamborghini – American Challenge

This is a man dressed as a woman enjoying a million-dollar car ride.

I’ve probably said this before, but among the many things I do not know how to do that are important, driving is one of them. This extends to the racing game genre of video games; I just don’t do well. Be it on one end of the spectrum like Gran Turismo where you have to actually pretend like it’s real life or something (thrilling), or the other end like Wipeout HD where floating, shooting guns and seizures are part of the everyday occurrances of commuting to work (confusing), I just suck at it. Walls are like Brilliam magnets.

That said, I enjoyed this game a fair bit. You can probably read that as “it’s boringly easy,” but I don’t care. I am definitely a product of the 90s, but I love driving a little yellow Lamborghini around where the streets have no walls and I never hit anything.

The first thing that left an impression on me when playing this game was the character selection screen. There are three choices: a guy who looks like Mr. T, a guy who looks like Sylvester Stallone and a lady who looks like… I don’t know, a beefy Jamie Lee Curtis? Geena Davis? I’m not sure who the hell she’s supposed to be but it scares me. I picked her.

Racism: Alive and well in car racing.

My first match was against a ninja and a sumo wrestler. Uhh… yup.

There’s a delicious floatiness to the physics as you glide around the track with icy non-friction.

Actually, you know what? I’m done writing about this game. Even though I like it, I can’t forgive myself for writing “glide [...] with icy non-friction.” I mean, non-friction? Really? I quit words.

King of the Monsters

What would happen if fake Ultraman, bullshit Godzilla, and some other knockoff monsters got in a fight? Buildings would fall and some God-like creature in space spying on the planet from a Bing Maps-type isometric view would get points.

This game was once on Nick Arcade, if memory serves. Probably more than once. That show wasn’t on in Canada much (we didn’t get Nick, I think some channel aired it occasionally). That’s pretty cool, I guess. That’s a nostalgic thing. Who’d have guessed? A snarky reference to the childhood of an older Generation Y dude who is writing on the Internet? Followed by some self-effacing meta-garble? You are DEFINITELY reading about old video games on the Internet at this point.

You have so far heard about an old video game TV show for children; a 1990’s 16-bit video game; a giant Japanese hero of the 20th century, a giant monster from the same country and time, a Web 2.0 satellite-image map website, a clam, a crab, a cockle, a cowrie, a reference to an early 21st-century harpist, a generation of perpetually snarky perpetual adolescents, and the Internet.

You’ve also heard an entire paragraph whose sole purpose was to make reference to the paragraph before it, as if to say, “hey, remember that time when A) something that was in the past, be it slightly or very much so, happened? Good times, and B) aren’t I a clever wee lad?”
Yes, it is true: these 400 or however many words encapsulate this entire stupid goddamn generation and I hate that I am one of us. We’re sarcastic little fucks, we aren’t actually good at anything, and once the baby boomers retire/die out we have to become the workforce, which sucks, because the Gen Xers are about as good as us at actually getting shit done (maybe a bit better) and with our powers combined the Western world is going to crumble as power plants and water treatment plants and farms and production facilities are abandoned by their cotton-headed retirees. These empty factories will be “boring” to this generation, who will mention as much on their FACETWITBLOGs, as they go to play Grand Theft Auto VII: Geek City and blow up people who ultimately look like themselves in a stunning recreation of Silicon Valley (which will last precisely until those abandoned power plants stop working on their own). God I hate us.

Kawasaki Superbike Challenge

Here is a list of facts as to why I often to not feel like very much of a man:

- I look like a wet noodle with a not-thin-anymore layer of lard on top
- I haven’t been in a fight for 15 years (at least I won that one, though)
- I stopped playing sports long ago
- I love going to buy clothes
- I have a very musical voice
- I own no leather aside from a pair of Sperry Top Sider deck shoes
- I am currently wearing a green cable-knit cardigan
- I have incresingly drank less regular beer and more light beer this summer (because it’s… summery)
- I think scotch is yucky
- I think UFC is pretty boring
- I know what “braised” means
- I’d rather play video games than eat beef
- I don’t know how to drive, and
- I HAVE NEVER BEEN ON A MOTORCYCLE.

Good thing I spent about eighteen minutes playing this game, because now I know! Stunning first-person graphics bring the crotchrocket to life in this insane-o speedrace to see who can ride a motorcycle fastest from some place to another place that may or may not be called “Suzuka.” Apparently it takes eight hours; I am boggled as to who on God’s green earth would sit down and play a game for eight hours in this day and age where EVEN YOUR VERY CONSOLE distracts you (Bloop! Your friend is online! Bleep! You’ve got e-mail! Blop! Have you had dinner yet?). But, I respect that this game may have come out in a time where sitting down to play video games meant you were entering your own tiny sensory deprivation state, where the only things that existed were you, a controller, and some circuits or whatever blah blah something technical. But now I got the cell phone, and the laptop, and the desktop, and the 360, and the house in the city that looks out onto a shitty, noisy, busy, light-filled street. I’m lucky if I get 30 minutes into anything.

Then again, if I were to get that much in a game, it wouldn’t involve something as masculine as tucking an engine between my legs. It’d probably be a puzzle game with lovely animated characters in lovely top hats, or little androgynous fellows whacking away at each other with swords on a grid. But I think that makes sense. We’ve already established that I’m about as manly as a pile of Richard Simmons’ nail clippings.