Inspector Gadget

Inspector Gadget

I was loading up this game figuring, “here we go again, another stupid platform franchise game”.  I’m not sure if it was the lowered expectations, or if it was the game itself, but I managed to actually have some fun with it.  Much to my surprise, it didn’t completely suck.

Surely I paused in time to save myself from this pit... ... Damnit!

The game is hard.  Like, Pitfall hard.  But, at least, it gives you what you need to get the job done.  You collect all of Gadget’s abilities, and then spend hats to use them.  Every object in the game (walls, enemies, etc.) holds some sort of power up, be it more abilities, or hats.  And you need them.  All of them.

Go go Gadget bitch-slap!

Once you get the hang of the game, and don’t lose all of your lives on the first jump, there’s actually some thought put into it–more so at least than most franchise games.  It also has some lol moments from the TV series.  Doctor Claw is just a disembodied hand floating on a chair.  Penny ends up getting in trouble, and the chief shows up in random places and gets blown up by the mission files.  It’s good for a chuckle.

Dr. Claw! You're just... a claw... ... Uhm... ... Nice nails?

Verdict: If you don’t like platform games, then you probably won’t enjoy anything other than the small amount of nostalgia from your childhood.  If you like really challenging platform games, and have a drive to push through them until you’ve made them your bitch, then Inspector Gadget will give you the challenge you seek.

HyperZone

Normal or reverse. Best game modes evah.

For every generation of console, there is a game that comes out that is more of a technology demo than a game.  HyperZone is that game,  only it fails as a technology demo as well.  It attempts to show off the “3D” capabilities of the SNES,  but does so in such a pathetic manner that it’s just laughable.

Could you have more colours? No, srsly. You don't need to demonstrate the /whole/ pallet on screen at the same time. Really.

The game is more suitable as an epilepsy inducer.  Maybe it could be deployed at testing clinics when they need someone to go into a seizure so that they can measure the brain waves.  Give them this game for five minutes and you’re set.

Oh noes! Invasion of the yellow squares!

The game consists of coloured shapes flying at you.  Oh, and some of them shoot other coloured shapes at you.  And, uhm, you can shoot coloured shapes at them.  And if you draw–errr, I mean fly–out of the lines, that’s Bad™.  And the horribly bad worse-than-8-bit soundtrack somewhat audibly changes when a boss coloured shape shows up to shoot boss coloured shapes, so that you know that this shape is Scary™.

The game is laughably bad.  Obviously more time was put into the physics engine than the gameplay design.  It is filled with unforgettable things like having only two buttons: shoot and brake. WTF?  Brake but no acceleration?  Oh, cause it’s like auto high-speed.  Hardcorzzz.  And if you die because you draw–I mean fly–out of the lines, you repop outside of the lines and immediately start taking damage again.  Laughable.

Stage 2! The Red Stage™

F-Zero was a release title that used a similar design, only it didn’t suck.  Later games like Starfox and Stunt Race FX did a much better job of the simulated 3D, and they were interesting.

Verdict:  HyperZone should be forgotten and ignored.  The game is laughably bad, and not in a good way.  The most interesting screen is the Game Over screen.

Finally! This game needs a suicide button to make the end come faster.

Home Alone

Home Alone

Another movie game.  Turn off brain.  Check.  Set expectations low.  Check.  Let grey matter ooze out of ear.

Mlllaaaaargggggghhhh…

It’s funny because you figure with all the failures in the dawn of gaming, they would stop making this sort of shit.  But that’s the rub: they’re failures in terms of anything remotely related to a gaming quality metric, but, somehow, they still sell.  Video games (and other media and pop culture to a similar extent) are somewhat unique in that respect: they sell almost entirely based upon their marketing appeal.  The game itself is separate from the marketing.

Get used to seeing this screen a lot. It would be so much funnier if someone appended "es".

The experience of playing Home Alone is based pretty much entirely on the nostalgia of the film.  That’s it. The developers make a point of trying to tie it in to the good-guys-bad-guys silliness of the movie, which was amusing as a kid, granted, but fails here when your worst enemies are in fact bats and rats, and the kind developers somehow decided that when there are bats or rats, you CAN’T USE YOUR SLINGSHOT CAUSE THAT MAKES SENSE!

Fucking bats, and rats. Why can't I shoot you with my slingshot?!? WHY?!?

The game is full of the usual poorly designed, half-assed side scroller theme.  There are a thousand games like this, and the only thing that sets this one apart is the “collect the valuables” aspect, where instead of mindlessly moving sideways, you have to think enough to go back and forth to the drop spot.  Once you’ve amassed enough valuables, you have to get past the nigh interminable array of bats and rats to seal the valuables in the vault.  I don’t remember any bats and rats in the movie, and with this number, the house would be condemned!

If you want to gather loot, go play the original Duck Tales. It was fun while presenting an interesting challenge.

Same concept, better level design, better controls with two buttons, and a lot more fun.

Verdict: Home Alone is exactly what you expect: A poorly thought out movie-based game with awkward controls, frustrating gameplay, dismal music, terrible graphics, and laugh-out-loud design choices.  If you really want to be nostalgic about the movie, watch it with silly subtitles or commentaries and heckle it.  You’ll have more fun.

Hammerlock Wrestling

Hammerlock Wrestling

Wrestling games can be entertaining, but usually only in 2 player mode.  Invariably, the computer gets to cheese out and do things you can’t possibly do, which just gets frustrating.  Here, we don’t see that problem as much.  The computer acts like a wrestler, and makes mistakes too.

Hammerlock wrestling is somewhat entertaining.  You can have a good time with a friend and be all silly.  The game mostly suffers from crappy graphics and sound.  It’s not really SNES worthy.  It feels like a NES game.  It could also give an epileptic seizure to even the most resilient of gamers.

Those flashing white and blue streaks fly by the screen EVERY TIME YOU HIT ANY BUTTON! It's more distracting than an emu pecking your eyes out.

You have your basic kick, punch, run, and drop-kick.  When your opponent is on the ground, you can do a joint lock, pin him, pick him up, or do a fancy move diving off the ropes.  Pretty straightforward.  Lots of button mashing.  Destroy your controller to beat your friend.

But wait, there’s more!  The game totally features Bruce McGill as Baron Kaiser!

Bruce McGill

Baron Kaiser

Verdict:  Hammerlock Wrestling is an average game that will provide a few fun times and will create a bit of competitiveness between friends.  The computer isn’t as cheap as in other games, but the moves are kinda limited.  Try it out if you’re curious, but don’t get your hopes up for anything epic.

GP-1

GP-1

I’ve never been much of a fan of racing games, primarily because they’re never what they purport to be: a simulation of racing.  They never recreate the fun and excitement of racing in part because pushing buttons on a controller can’t reproduce the driving environment.  No amount of peripherals, steering wheels, pedals, etc. can do it either.  I’ve even seen a system that would blow air on you to simulate speed.  Still no immersion.  I should clarify that I do, however, love Mario Kart, in its various incarnations.  That’s primarily because it purports to be FUN, not a racing game.  And it is.

GP-1 falls into the category of games that are neither an accurate reproduction of the racing experience, nor fun.

It's the only bike that doesn't have 500 in the name... It must mean something...

You can pick your bike and your mechanic.  Yay!  You can pick a race.  You can look at the rear of your fellow racers.

Hey, wait up, you guys! I'm kool too! I can jiggy with the bike nookie wookies in the jam with the pam! I'm kool! I wanna be just like you! Hey! Where are you going? Ok, I'll just wait for you here...

And then the race starts, and you never see them again, unless they lap you.  The only company you get is the washed out green colours along the way, and the annoyingly repetitive vroom of your motor.  Vroom, vroom! Look at me!

Ironically, this game writes its own review.  If only the developers had taken their own feedback, perhaps we could have been spared and this game would have never been made.

Yes, this game IS hopeless! How nice of the developers to point it out to us! I love it when games write their own reviews.

Verdict: GP-1 is a painfully ordinary and boring racing game.  Go play Mario Kart, or something worth two tugs of a rabid armadillo’s tail instead of wasting your time.

Gemfire

Gemfire

The intro sequence of Gemfire has more depth and plot than I’ve seen in entire games.  The music is catchy, and doesn’t detract from the introduction of the storyline.  Koei makes excellent games, but they often require a fair time investment, and can quickly get monotonous.

The strategy is pretty complex, including farming, trading, sabotaging, treaty negociation, and, of course, attacking your neighbouring kingdoms. It seems that dice rolls and randomness govern everything, which can be frustrating at times.

It appears Gemfire is no different.  The game is rather complex, with unit level control, for a continent-wide campaign to take over the kingdom.  It could take months to play this game through.  It’s interesting if you’re a multi-session type table-top strategy game player, as you can have that experience with the simplicity of dice rolls and stat tracking done for you.  But it’s not for everyone.  Most players will not have the patience for this sort of game.

The battlefield tactical component is a lot more straightforward. Flank your opponent, or attack from the rear. Roll 20s. Don't let your base get captured. Pretty straightforward.

There was a time where I would have spent weeks and months playing this game, tickled by the possibilities.  Unfortunately, adult responsibilities ruined those days for me, and I doubt I’ll ever get them back.  There’s just too much else out there to play, and read, and watch.  The only way I could play this game is if I multi-tasked it with several something elses, and then, again, I’d have to ask myself why. Of course, I type all of this, and then play for 3 hours, so there is definitely something to the game, and I definitely have it in me to focus on it for a while.

Dragons vs Wizards! Wrar!

Verdict: Koei strategy games have a very specific market.  If you’re in that market, you’ll enjoy this game.  If you don’t know anything about this sort of strategy game, chances are you won’t have the patience for it.

The Flintstones

The Flintstones

Not much to say here. The Flintstones is the standard formula of a movie franchise turned into a mindless platform game. It gets partial credit for not entirely sucking, but suffers from the usual flaws. The music is annoying and repetitive. The level design is frustrating. There’s no point to the game. No plot. No depth. Its selling point is entirely the franchise. That’s it. That’s all.

Srsly? US and British English, in a video game? Nice logo whorage too.

The most amusing parts of the game are things like the language selection at the beginning. You can pick between British and US English as separate options. That amuses me greatly. You can disable the music and sound effects because they are that annoying. There’s even a two-player mode, so that you can share the frustration with a friend. Another amusing part is watching Fred huff and puff just standing still. We get it. He’s out of shape. But it doesn’t even kick in after running a bit. He’s sweating lard just standing there!

Is that a bone in your mouth, or are you just happy to see me?

The game makes some casual attempt at using the SNES’ background graphics, but it is all so pointless. There’s no reason to play this game. Why would you want to? No matter how nostalgic you are about the Flintstones, this game isn’t fun. Even if you spend the time to make it pretty far, one little whap, or one little slip up, and you go all the way back to the beginning of the stage. Why? What’s the point?

Ok, you have decent backgrounds. So you put a bit of time into this franchise rape. Fine. Actually, that's kinda sad, really.

Verdict: The Flintstones leaves me with the usual emptiness of franchise plat form games. There is no point to it at all. It seems like an exercise in frustration to try to salvage what nostalgia you might have left about the classic show. You can enjoy the same nostalgia by just watching Fred sleep, or shove a piece of meat in his mouth when you stop moving. Just turn off the music and sound effects and watch him stand there for a bit. Same effect, less frustration.

Final Fantasy III/VI

Final Fantasy III/VI

I’ve been thinking a long time about how to write this review.  It’s never easy writing about epic games.  It’s easy to shit all over crappy games.  Their flaws are obvious and sufficient material for a post.  But Final Fantasy VI…

There are several things that make a game great, and some of these are typically embedded in reviews: music, sound, gameplay, controls, fun factor, graphics, plot, replay value, etc.  But these things alone, even all done perfectly, do not predict an epic game.  The one factor that is required for an epic game that cannot be crafted is timing.  An epic game has to be released at a time when an entire genre is forming, and it’s at the forefront, pioneering it.  Doing it intentionally is like trying to predict the rise of Microsoft before the fact.  There are certain timing factors, the contemporary culture, the minds of the artists of the era, and the minds of the audience, that all have to be in sync.  It is for these reasons that the Matrix was amazing, and its sequels failed. The timing was lost.

If we compare the psyche of Vicks and Wedge, we see that in fact they are a commentary on the human condition. Nietzsche said that life was... You know what? Fuck that. You can dig forever and never hit the bottom in this game. If that's all you do in your review, you're missing the point.

Instead of dissecting the game, and reading its guts to you like an English teacher with Shakespeare, I’m going to try a different approach.  I’m going to tell you a story, a story about the timing of Final Fantasy VI in my life, and the resulting effect it had on me.  I imagine that if I were to crowdsource this story, many other, similar stories would emerge.  Collectively, these stories tell the true tale of why many believe Final Fantasy VI is the greatest game ever written.

I was 13 years old.  My cousin was visiting.  His parents were a lot more comfortable with video games than mine were.  Games weren’t the bane of the world’s existence, and a threat to homework and success.  As such, he was allowed to have a SNES (I was not), and he brought it with him.  He also brought along a stack of games, and this new game he had just purchased for over $100 (Around $200 in today’s money).  We played some Street Fighter II, and some Contra III, and some other fun two-player games for a couple of days.  On the last evening he was here, we decided to try out this other game he had with him, Final Fantasy III.  He told me that he had played it a bit and that it was rather long.  It was the perfect choice for that night.  He had a history of getting sick during long car rides, and the 8 hour drive planned for the next day was looming.  He figured the best way to not get sick was to sleep through the whole car ride, and the best way to do that was to stay up all night playing FFIII with me.  I happily obliged.

We brought a couple of comfortable chairs up to the TV, dropped in  the cartridge, loaded up on snack food and pop, and hit the power switch.  This haunting, operatic music gripped me suddenly, and latched my focus to the screen.  I sat back and watched, transfixed as the intro played itself out on the screen.  I was without words.  Saliva dripped from my fallen jaw onto the carpet in front of me.  I… I had to see what happened next.  The movie segued directly into the gameplay, seamlessly.  Suddenly, the plot was unfolding, and I was clicking through dialog, eating it up.  The soldiers were controlling this blue haired girl, in some sort of mecha.  Why?  What did she do to them?  Why were they so mean?

Credits at the beginning? I soon understood why. So beautiful... enchanting...

And then they turned, and began walking through the drifts of snow in 3D.  The haunting, magical Terra theme played over the credits, and I realised that this wasn’t a game.  This was a piece of art, with proud creators who deserved to have their names seen at the beginning, in case the impatient, impulsive North American audience didn’t have the attention span to make it to the end of their work.  This instant marked a very important milestone in my lifelong love of gaming.  It was the instant that I realised that games were no longer progressively more complicated versions of pong, without any purpose other than to sustain one’s attention for a few minutes.  It was at this moment that I realised that games were a medium for storytelling, like books, movies, graphic novels, plays.  It was at this moment that the acceptance bar for games suddenly jumped up.  Square had set a new standard.  And I had seen only the tip of the iceberg.

I lost track of time… The next time I looked at the clock, it was nearly 6AM.  I had been devoured whole by a world of bum rushes, and tek missiles, and moggles, and Atma weapons.  I had shed a tear for Celes’ ill treatment at the hands of the evil emperor, marking another first: the first time I ever truly felt empathy, and a connection to a video game character.  My party had grown with character after character, each with a tale, each with substance, and purpose.  I had read more plot, on the screen, than I had read in paper books in the past year.  I had forgotten to blink – my eyes were drying out.

Damn you, Kefka! I won't let you win!

When it came time for my cousin to leave, I could barely tear myself away from the game.  What would happen to Terra? Locke? Celes? Relm? Gau?  Where would their adventures take them?  Was the world really going to get destroyed by misuse of Magitek?  My cousin departed, and I was left in withdrawal.  I had a new mission in life: acquire a SNES and a copy of FFVI at any cost.  And, when I eventually did, I spent many, many, many hours glued to the TV in my room.  I’m sure I spent no less than 200 hours on the game, which, for that era, was an eternity.  I can still hear Kefka’s teasing, insane laughter.  I can still remember the elation when Terra first learned how to cast Ultima.  I still, to this day, giggle at the thought of combining the Genji Glove, with the Offering, with two Atma weapons, raining down destruction on my party’s foes.

OMG - Espers! SO KOOL! WANT!

Final Fantasy 6 came along at just the right time to inspire the emerging adulthood of the children of the baby boomers.  Somewhere between Generation X and Generation Y, there’s a Generation FF.  Those who were fortunate to play FFVI during their formative years will forever be inspired by it, and forever demanding of games to live up to the potential of the era.  It continues to inspire artwork, music, and game creation.  It set a high bar, and game developers took a few years to catch up.  Nowadays we nod dismissively at games like this, but we easily forget that it’s been a decade and a half.  They were the pioneers of modern console RPGs, and deserve respect as such.  They were no longer making games, they were making art.  When Mozart’s notes jump off the page and into ballet; when Da Vinci’s paintings transform into cinema; when a game jumps off the TV screen and onto the canvas, we begin to understand that true genius is the ability to influence not only one’s own genre, but adjacent and opposing spaces as well.

The source inspiration

The canvas - Prisonniere - By Orioto

Final Fantasy 6 meant something important to me.  What did it mean to you?  I want to hear your stories.  How did it affect you?  How did it inspire you?  How did it change your view of gaming? And, yes, you can rule 34 it.  Shame on you for thinking of it!

Verdict: Final Fantasy 6 not only defined a genre, but also entered the console gaming scene with impeccable timing.  It inspired, and raised the bar on story telling in video games for the entire industry.  It was a the predecessor to modern interactive story-telling RPGs.  Its place in history is well deserved.

Family Dog

Family Dog

How to get through this review without making a pun about how this is when games went to the dogs?  Ugh.  Family dog comes from an era where “making a game” consisted of putting together a shitty obstacle course with bad controls, giving it a sort of theme, and pretending that it was fun.  There are too many games made with this cookie cutter to count.  And they all blow.

The overuse of primary colours also isn't the game's worse flaw.

Family Dog is no exception.  You’re a dog.  You have to make it through the house to fetch a ball for your Denice The Menace style owner, who also likes to shoot you.  But you still want to please him.  It’s rather masochistic.  Oh, and the house is out to get you.  But wait! At least there are dog treats that are stuck to the walls at heights exceeding 10 meters!  Bleh, I don’t even want to go on.  Its weak point isn’t that it doesn’t make any sense.  That’s just a given.

It seems the intent of the level layout is to make you spend as much time as possible in the air. It should have been called Family Bird.

The music is so irritating, it’s best played with the sound off.  It loops endlessly and is almost improved by the random *boinks* and *boings* and *woofs* that are inserted in bad 1930s movie fashion.  The controls are abysmal.  Oh, and apparently you can only bark so many times before you need a treat to bark again.  Did I mention that books kill you?  Yeah, books kill you.

My guess is that every book in the house looked like this.

Let’s just keep this one a dirty little secret, you and I, and pretend it never existed.  There is zero reason to ever consider turning on this game.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  Maybe if you were a clinical psychologist and conducting a study in frustration and irritation you could use this game as a stimulus.  But you’d really, really have to compensate your participants.  And give them giant warnings.  In fact, no, not even then.  I don’t think submitting them to this game would pass ethics board approval.

Verdict: Family Dog was the game that your aunt bought you for Christmas because she thought it looked cute on the shelf and the clerk at Zellers just shrugged when she asked if her nephew would like it.  You put it under your bed, forgot about it, and didn’t miss it.  Don’t bring it back out.  Ever. In fact, just feed it to your dog.

ESPN National Hockey Night

ESPN National Hockey Night

An ESPN game? Srsly? Do I actually HAVE to review this? Ugh. Fine. But I don’t want to ever hear anything about me not being a dedicated reviewer. It’s not all Chrono Triggers and Starfoxes. I wade through the crap too. Willingly. I’m THAT kind of reviewer.

So, ok, let’s get to it. ESPN National Hockey Night. Kinda like other nights, only this one is the National Hockey one. Oh, and ESPN threw its logo all over it… wait… Uhm. Yeah. There’s some gameage in here somewhere. Under one of the logos, I think. I mean, it’s really important that we know that it is an officially licensed NHL product. Wouldn’t want any of those fake hockey games.

Is there such a colour as puke blue? I get vertigo following the terrible attempt at a vanishing point in their sinking depth. An architectural consultant could have saved them some epilepsy suits.

This game might be the saddest excuse for a sports game I’ve ever seen. Maybe. It’s a pretty low bar. I don’t want to give it too much credit for its suckiness. Don’t want it to seem remarkable in its asstacularness.

ESPN National Hockey Night manages to make one of the fastest sports an exercise in frustration at the slow speed of play. It’s bad enough that I can’t tell what player I’m controlling, or if my button presses are actually having any effect – but to sit through 5 seconds of loading every time the ref wants to blow his whistle… well… I’ll just go to a real game if I want to be bored to tears.

Joyest of days! More loading time! You wouldn't know the SNES was cartridge based. I've seen first-gen PS1 games load faster. At least the Door Sim... errr Resident Evil 1 had zombies.

There’s really not much else to say. Ooooh, the game features 2 VIEW MODES! Stop the presses! You can view the same pixelated pieces of shit on skates moving up and down or side to side. Le yays. You can experience pointlessness in 2 axes!

Blah, blah, blah, hardcoded SNES sound bites, blah, blah, blah, my mustache got stuck in my mic while I was reading my lines, blah, blah, bl... GOAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!! Wait...

The most amusing part of the game is the digital voiceovers by the ESPN sportscaster. I loled when he said “Ok, let’s go down to the ice for the puck drop.”. This game would be more fun if it were just him talking in a strangely SNES-sound-engine-like digitized voice about the weather, or the intricacies of shoe tying.

Verdict: ESPN National Hockey Night is uninteresting, uninformative, unpointful, unhelpful, undesirable, unfun, and unremarkable in every way other than the fact that it isn’t pathetic enough to actually deserve any praise for it. I’ll say no more lest it actually be remembered. Purge your brain now!