Nickelodeon GUTS

Someone has the guts.

“The governor is very sick.”

Simon Pensicola paced back and forth with his head tilted painfully against his shoulder, pinning his BlackBerry in-between his greying hair and the luxurious shoulder of his very expensive suit. “I understand that there’s quite a waiting list, but I thought given his status as—I see. None? At all? Very well, I’ll make some more calls.”

He ended the call and tossed the BlackBerry onto the plush leather couch that he liked to pass out on when drunk on Glen Garioch scotch whiskey. Walking softly on his really really costly shoes that were totally expensive you guys, he approached the window of his high-rise office and gazed out over the stunning vista beneath him (he’s rich).

“The governor needs some organs,” he whispered to himself. “And I intend to get those organs,” he said to himself a bit louder. “BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!” he whisper-screamed, before mashing his face against the glass and pretending to be a fish.

This is how the Nickelodeon GUTS program was born: gubernatorial necessity. Some called it the most disgusting and exploitative program in mankind’s history of horrible violence, others regarded it as “pretty funny if you think about it.” Most people had no idea that it was anything more than a game show for their ugly children—but it was more…much more indeed. All of the sporting events were specifically designed to lead to fatal injuries; the children’s organs would then be harvested and put to better use than keeping children alive. Here are some of the events that claimed so many lives and freed up so many sweet, sweet internal organs:

Bull’s Eye

Children shot at by “foam” arrows. Foam arrows coated with deadly contact poison derived from Australian stonefish, swift and untraceable.

Slam Dunk

Children instructed to jump off bridge and dunk a basketball. Due to improper safety restraints, the only thing they dunked was their little lives.

Off the Wall

Children told to knock baseballs off a wall. Behind every 8th baseball is a deadly viper that was tortured for 14 hours with a combination of chopsticks and Avril Lavigne songs.

Spike It

Children supposed to jump and spike a volleyball. Have you ever played volleyball? One time I broke a finger so it’s probably dangerous enough already.

Over the Top

Jumping over hurdles. How high can you leap? How FAR CAN YOU FALL? (Game least popular due to least usable organs. Later dropped.)

Jump! Jump!

Die! Die!

Make Your Mark

Your mark will consist of a bloody patch on the tile floor that will defeat many attempts to cleanse it until the janitor stays up late and then orders an industrial tub of CLR from an infomercial.

Slam-A-Jama

Get-your-guts-scooped-out-with-a-melon-balla

Dodge It

…because if you don’t you’ll be horribly killed and then a businessman will use your kidneys.

Triple Jump

Triple evisceration.

During the program’s run in the early 90s*, almost ten thousand healthy organs were collected and surgically implanted in really ungrateful rich businessmen who messed them up again in a few short months. No one knows the death toll that the Nickelodeon’s GUTS program collected, but it was noticeably quieter in the 90s with fewer children, and I think we can all appreciate that.

*Clearly the above fiction necessitates time travel to allow for the presence of a BlackBerry, and is not the product of lazy writing. Time machine. Government conspiracy. Look it up…IF YOU DARE.