Metal Warriors

Because everything is apparently more epic in space because you can't hear people scream except you also can't hear explosions which is way less epic so what's the point?

If you’d told me as a kid that one day I’d find the prospect of giant robot-suited people doing battle in space super boring, I’d have called you a retard.  But here I am, nearly 27 years old, and I honestly can’t think of a videogame convention I care less about.  Maybe the sims, I guess, because I think that wetting your pants and falling over when there’s too many dishes is a lot more poignant in person.

But anyway, in Metal Warriors you are a lady, I think, who pilots some mech thing that has a jump jet and also guns (duh) and a shield and a lightsaber or something stupid, and you fight your way through a space station where there are other supposedly lesser robot people trying to stop you.  The fate of something is in the balance, I’m sure.  There are “all your base” style introduction sequences that I only half-read because we all know the story anyway:

boy meets girl, girl wears giant robot suit, boy commands armada, boy and girl break up because they never see one another thanks to hectic work schedules, boy gives girl 3 days to pick her stuff up at his place which is a giant fortified space station, girl puts on her giant robot suit and says “fuck, my good robe was there, this is war, I guess, but I’m keeping those Creedence Tapes.”

It’s a story as old as time, really.

And we've been waiting for car damage in Gran Turismo for how many years?

As a shooter, this game fails.  It’s too slow and mazelike.  Combat is frustrating.  Difficulty is high.  So it also fails as a platformer with exploration elements.  Mostly, I just don’t have the patience for this sort of thing anymore.  It reminds me a lot of Cybernator, which is a game I actually owned in cartridge format (not that, uhh, I don’t own this piece of shit), except that Cybernator was a lot of fast-paced and insane action (also, recall that I was not too far from 13 at this point, and if you disliked Cybernator I would have called you retarded).  I also remember Cybernator being fun.  On the other hand, if this game had a map and zones in the way that, say, Super Metroid, had… and maybe if I could actually explore around and not just find the one way through the maze of every level, I’d potentially be on board.

Anyway, giant robots.  If they’re your thing then I guess maybe this is a game you might have liked?  I wouldn’t get your hopes up about that though… or the safe return of those Creedence Tapes.