SIMONS are getting UPPERCUTTED! What's the past-tense of uppercut? Uppercat?
HAGGAR: CODY! MAD GEAR HAS KIDNAPPED THE PRINCESS OF SAN FRANCISCO! WE MUST SAVE HER!
CODY: San Francisco?! It’s called Metro City, dummy! Also, I thought you didn’t want me to be with her!
HAGGAR: IT STILL GRINDS MY GEARS THAT YOU’RE PLAYING “HIDE THE PENIS” WITH MY BABY GIRL BUT REGARDLESS! I CAN’T DO THIS ON MY OWN! I AM SLOW AND STRONG BUT I NEED SOMEONE MORE BALANCED! IF ONLY THERE WERE ALSO SOMEONE WHO WERE REALLY FAST WE’D BE PERFECT!
CODY: Should I call Guy?
HAGGAR: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOT UNTIL FINAL FIGHT GUY! LET’S HIT THE STREETS!
LEVEL 1: THE SLUMS
CODY: Yeah! Fuck you punks! You make these slums suck!
HAGGAR: ACTUALLY THATS PARTLY MY FAULT AS I AM THE MAYOR OF THIS CITY AND I HAVE BEEN MORE BUSY SENDING MONEY TO THE POLICE FORCE AND CORPORATIONS TO MURDER POOR PEOPLE AND HOOK THEM ON CRACK THAN I AM TO ACTUALLY FIXING SHIT IN THESE HOODS! I AM BASICALLY ED KOCH! EXCEPT I TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL BY GOING TO THE STREETS AND BEATING THE DESPERATE PEOPLE WHO JOIN GANGS TO MAKE IT BY ON THE HARD STREEEEEEETS!
CODY: I’m going to punch Damnd in his giant face!
HAGGAR: I LOVE THIS GLASSEEEEEESSSS!!!!
CODY: I wish he would drop them!
LEVEL 2: THE SUBWAY
CODY: Wait this is more like New York and Not SF!
HAGGAR: IT’S METROOOO CITTYYYYY!!!!
CODY: What train are we on?
HAGGAR: THE G-TRAIN! G FOR GANGSTERS! BWA HAHA HA HA HA!!!!
CODY: Actually I think we’re on the 2 to the Bronx!
HAGGAR: OH MAN THAT’S A BAD LINE! WE SHOULD GET OUT OF HERE ASAP BEFORE WE GET MUUUUUUGGGGGED!
CODY: Or we can punch all the mugger’s faces. Hey, a knife! Can I stab someone with this, Mayor?
HAGGAR: SIR YOU ARE ABOVE THE LAW RIGHT NOOOOOOWWWWWWW! GOUGE AWAY!
CODY: Stay all day!
CODY + HAGGAR: IF YOU WANT TO! LA LA! LA LA! LA LA LA LA!
CODY: Sleepin’ on my belly! You break my arms! You spoon my ey–
HAGGAR: JOKE’S OLD STOP NOWWWWWW!!!!
LEVEL 3: WEST SIDE
CODY: Wait, so, west side… is this an LA thing now?
HAGGAR: METRO CITY IS THE WORST OF ALL CITIES COMBINED!
CODY: Word. Hey remember how we fought a Japanese guy in a wrestling ring in the Subway? Why didn’t we talk about that?
HAGGAR: TOO LATE NOW! BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THAT A GUY NAMED “SODOM” IN A WRESTLING RING IS HILARIOUS!
CODY: Are you implying that Pro Wrestling is gay?
HAGGAR: YOU CAN SEE ALL OF THE GUYS’S JUNK(S) AND THEY’RE HUGGING EACH UNDER IN SPANDEX UNDEERRWWEEAAAARRRR!!!!! WHATS FUNNY IS THAT I AM MAKING FUN OF GAYNESS SHORTLY AFTER COMPARING MYSELF TO ED KOOOOOOOCCCHHHHH!!!!!
CODY: Maybe we should actually talk about level 3 though!
HAGGAR: GOOOOD POOOOIIINNNTTT!!!!
LEVEL 4: INDUSTRIAL AREA
HAGGAR: TOOOOOO LAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!!
LEVEL 5: BAY AREA
CODY: Here we go! The Bay Area! Classic! This is why you made that San Francisco reference at the beginning! I was starting to get confused!
HAGGAR: MORE LIKE THE YAY AREA, AM I RIGHT? WANT SOME YAYO? SOME COCAINE? I HAVE A LOT! LOOK! IT’S TRAPPED IN MY MUSTACHE! HA HA HA! IT’S LIKE A MILK MUSTACHE BUT MADE OF GACK!
CODY: Whoa this dude is neon red! And named Abigail!
HAGGAR: HAHA WHAT A PUSSY! PUUUUUUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CODY: Good punch!
LEVEL 6: UPTOWN
CODY: Uptown like Chicago?
HAGGAR: WHO CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARES!!!!!!!!!!!
CODY: Yeah! Let’s find your daughter!
HAGGAR: THERE SHE IS! WE HAVE TO BEAT UP A CRIPPLE TO GET HER THOUGH!
CODY: Awesome! Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicccccccckkkkkkkk!!!!!
HAGGAR: GOOD KICK! HE FELL OUT THE WINDOW!!! HAHAHAHA AT LEAST HE CAN’T GET CRIPPLED!
CODY: Hey Jessica! My girlfriend! We should do it later!
JESSICA: Nah my front regions are a little tired from being, you know, kidnapped by an insane anarchist punk gang! You know how it is!
HAGGAR: THEY RAPED YOU?!?!?
JESSICA: More like I had a really sexy version of Stockholm Syndrome! It’s some Patty Hearst-type shit! Plus I like douchebags OBVIOUSLY!
CODY: Good point!
JESSICA + HAGGAR + CODY: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
THE END
Brilliam
mcawesome.
obtuscated
scott
atriou
Travis
glassesmacdonald
Adam
Alex
.tiff
andydiluvian
Jared
Ted
lineout
June 23, 2009 at 9:46 am
I have a lot of praise for this article that I could write, but instead I will keep it short and say this:
THE WAY YOU MADE HAGGAR TALK IS BASICALLY PERFECT AND KEPT MAKING ME LAUGH SO HARD MY SUNGLASSES FELL OFF AND I WAS ALMOST NO LONGER A BAD ENOUGH DUDE TO RESCUE THE PRESIDENT
October 16, 2009 at 7:52 am
[...] up, and this is no exception. It feels kind of like Final Fight, except instead of the glorious Haggar, I have the Hulk. The Hulk is no Haggar, but he’ll do for [...]