Exertainment Mountain Bike Rally

ALLLLRIGHT YOU SONS OF BITCHES YOU GET YOUR GODDAMN FAT ASSES OFF THE BUS AND LINE UP POOOOOST HASTE

JESUS JACKHAMMERIN’ CHRIST ON A CORNCOB, YOU ARE SOME UGLY SONS OF BITCHES

character select

YOU AT THE BOTTOM RIGHT THERE

YOU LOOK LIKE AN OGRE FUCKED A FISH AND YOU’RE EATING YOUR OWN FACE OUT O’ SHAME

raging beast

NO MISSY I WILL NOT TALK IN LOWER CASE, LOWER CASE FOR LOWER CLASS CITIZENS IS WHAT MY POP ALWAYS TOLD ME!

CAPITAL LETTERS FOR THE CAPITAL CITY OF PAIN IN THE NATION OF BENDOVER, MY LITTLE TREEFUCKERS, AND I’M THE MAYOR – I’M TOUGH ON CRIME AND YOU JUST STEPPED INTO MAXIMUM SECURITY

THIS IS FUCKTOWN, POPULATION YOUR ASS, BITCHES

NOW LISTEN UP

THIS HERE IS A BIKE

bike

YOU WILL EACH GET YOUR BIKE AND YOU WILL LOVE IT LIKE YOUR OWN MOTHER.  IN FACT THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT I DON’T FUCK YOUR BIKE.

EXCEPT YOU, PRIVATE, IT DON’T LOOK LIKE YOUR MAMA WOULD BE ANY GOOD GARGLIN’ THESE HERE MARBLES

mystery

NOW WHEN YOU ARE ON YOUR BIKE YOU HAVE FOUR OPTIONS, COUNT EM FOUR, WHAT ARE THEY?

GO

STOP

PUNCH

GRAB

YOU WILL NOTICE AN IMMEDIATE HIERARCHY, YOU BOWLEGGED PUBE-WHISKERED TURTLEFUCKERS

WHY WOULD YOU STOP WHEN YOU CAN GO, AND WHY WOULD YOU GRAB WHEN YOU CAN PUNCH?

THE ANSWER IS BECAUSE YOU ARE AN IDJIT AND THE ONLY THING YOUR PAPPY TAUGHT YOUS IS HOW TO BRING HIM ANOTHER BEER

NOW

YOU THERE

YES, YOU, THE ONE WHAT LOOKS LIKE YOU WERE BORN SIDEWAYS TO PARENTS WHO WAS COUSINS AND THEY LEFT YOU IN AN OVEN TO DIE

brucetard

YOU GET YOUR SKIN-GRAFTED ASS ON THIS BIKE

retard

HAVING SOME TROUBLE THERE BOY? JESUS MARY SON OF SAM, I AIN’T SEEN THE LIKE SINCE I TRIED TO ARMWRESTLE MY DOG

NOW GIVE ME A LAP

FASTER

FASTER YOU PIMPLEDICK

NOW SEE HOW A BURLY INDIVIDUAL AMBUSHED HIM FROM THE ROADSIDE

THAT’S BECAUSE HE WAS AFEARD AND NOT PAYING ATTENTION

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN ONE OF THEM FUCKERS TRIES TO GRAB YOU?

THAT’S RIGHT YOU PUNCH THAT SON OF A BITCH

NOW WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO PASS YOU ON THE TRACK?

I CAN’T HEAR YOUS!

THAT’S RIGHT YOU PUNCH THAT SON OF A BITCH!

NOW GIVE ME TEN LAPS AND I WANT TO SEE SOME BROKEN KNUCKLES!

WATCH OUT FOR THE TARDSOME FELLA, I THINK HE’S GOT NERVE DAMAGE! GOTTA HIT HIM IN THE NECK!

HIT HIM IN THE NECK!

THERE YOU GO!

OH HE’S TOO DUMB TO FEEL IT, LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE FUCKED!

horrible dialogue

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One Response to Exertainment Mountain Bike Rally

  1. [...] that have been released. So here’s a pretty weird one. First of all, we already know that Exertainment Mountain Bike Rally and Cannondale Cup are in fact the same game. They were made in 1994 by Radical Entertainment, who [...]

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