Arkanoid: Doh It Again

Mmm, move that Vaus

Mmm, move that Vaus

COME ON EVERYONE! LET’S “DOH IT AGAIN”!

I guess. Why not? Sure. Yeah, let’s “DOH IT AGAIN.” It’s what all the kids are doing, assuming you’re reading this in 1997 and you know a very small number of braindead (and probably really ugly) kids (they’re total dicks) who play stupid (and boring) video games (they stink).

Let’s take a look at the “plot” of the game and the reason we’re doing this:

“THE ERA AND TIME OF THIS STORY IS UNKNOWN. AFTER THE MOTHERSHIP “ARKANOID” WAS DESTROYED, A SPACECRAFT “VAUS” SCRAMBLED AWAY FROM IT. BUT ONLY TO BE TRAPPED IN SPACE WARPED BY SOMEONE……..”

And so the thrilling tale continues! Can “Vaus” bounce a ball against blocks enough times to escape? Not on my watch! On my watch I get incredibly tired of “plink…plonk…plink…plonk” and stop playing this game. I suppose the crew members of “Vaus” are all horribly killed as a result, but I doubt anyone will really miss them. Their tiny bodies will float endlessly in a colourful block-choked universe, a testament to the uncaring whims of this reviewer. Maybe their ship will eventually crash land and become a background image for one of the Metroid games.

Some games age better than others, much like cheese, wine or people. I’m sure there’s plenty of angry nerds on the Internet that will disagree with me and claim that the wicked awesome game play of “Arkanoid: Doh it or something,” is timeless and challenging and Aspergerstastic, but I found it really dull. It doesn’t help much that I have essentially the same game on my phone with better graphics, sound effects and game play (I get to move the paddle with my finger!), and I don’t even really play that game because it got old really fast.

Doubtless more scorn will come my way for comparing “Arkanoid: DOH IT ALREADY” to a modern game on a modern phone, but I collect scorn in a jar. When the jar is full, I pour it into a public swimming pool and then laugh as they have to empty and disinfect the area.

“Arkanoid: Put it in my DOH” will be almost immediately forgotten as I play my way through these thousand thousand games I’m supposed to be reviewing. In fact, I think I’ve already forgotten about it, so don’t ask me any followup questions.

Here are some more names for this game:

“Arkanoid: UNO DOH TRIES TO BE A DECENT GAME” <– this one is a Spanish joke that doesn’t really work

“Arkanoid: A jiggling pile of DOH” <– like the people who play video games

“Arkanoid: DOH RAPE ME” <– you have to say this one aloud to get it and also to express that you want to be raped by dough (I would also like to apologize for the fact that I’ve made rape “jokes” in my past two reviews)

“Arkanoid: Dream Weaver” <– nothing to do with the game, but that’s a good song, bro

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3 Responses to Arkanoid: Doh It Again

  1. Brilliam says:

    I happen to love brick breaking games. ALL OF THEM.

  2. scott says:

    How many of these things are there? How many ways can you break bricks? WHY?

  3. JJF says:

    “Aspergertastic” is priceless.

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